CC Sabathia's Comeback Story

00:00:09 Speaker 1: Welcome back everyone to another episode of Stories with My Man. Donnie has always Donnie love you man. How are you doing today? Doing well? Man? Good to see her face, Black wise man super excited about our guests today. Somebody you guys may know very well. One of the greatest pictures that I've seen watching baseball since I was a kid. Six time All Star World Series Champion, Cy Young Award winner, ALCS MVP one wins, leader in MLB twice over two hundred and fifty wins. Please welcome the great CC Sabathia to the show. CC welcome, man. Appreciate y'all. What's going on, fellas? Not too much man, blessed, blessed to have you here. So I just want to dive right into your story. Man. We love to start was with what was it like growing up for you know, you from the Bay Man, So tell us what it was like. Yeah, now, growing up I grew up in in val California. Grew up in a Bay Area big Raiders fan, big like Bay Area sports fan period. You know, I grew up at AI's fan Raiders Warriors at the time. But where I grew up in Valel was a big baseball town. Like, you know, it's the Inner City, it's the hood. But like everybody where I grew up played baseball. I love baseball. All our dads were baseball coaches and you know, involved in the little leagues and around, and it just made me fall in love with the game. We played other sports. I played football, I played basketball, played soccer growing up, but baseball was just always my love. I just always felt good playing it. Always, like felt like I had a high baseball IQ. Like I knew where to throw the ball to, which bases and the situations and stuff like that. So it just was always came natural to me, and there was something I always loved to do. We love to ask because we've looked back into our lives and seen instances and events from our childhood that have shaped our perspectives and how we thought about life going forward. Were there any instances that were may be painful or shocking to you, or things that may have altered your mindset going forward as a child that you had to overcome. Yeah, I mean I think it's you know, obviously, growing up in inner City, there's always a lot of different challenges. Um, you know, my parents were young when they had me, trying to figure things out. So I spent a lot of time with my grandparents house. Um. You know, I went to school, Um, in my elementary school, I went to school from my grandparents' house. UM. So I did a lot of things over there. UM, spent the night there, a lot of nights and different things. But you know, for me, I had, um, you know, two uncles that lived in that house that were on drugs and from a young age, you know, UM, I could see you know, the different things them coming in and out of the house at night. UM, different you know, scenarios and situations that I probably shouldn't have been in as a young kid. That kind of you know, shaped and hardened me. And but it but it really, honestly, like being up up close and personally to to that at such a young age, you know, made me made me understand that I didn't want to do that, you know what I'm saying. Like, I feel like every time I had, you know, these these situations put in front of me as a young child, whether it was the drugs or you know, different things with gang members and stuff like that. UM, I was always able to see the other side of the and be like, nah, I don't want to be in that life. You know what I'm saying, Like, I don't want to be in jail, I don't want to be in the streets. I don't want to be in a noose type of situations. So let me just stay over here with my little friend group and stick to my sports. So I was always able to see, I guess, a better way. If that makes sense. No, it makes a ton of sense. And I feel like in order to keep that perspective of seeing further down the road, having a greater vision for your life, there had to have been people pretty early on that we're helping you and guide you in that direction. To who are some of the people that you would consider like your teachers or your mentors that really impacted you in a positive way. Yeah, it was. I mean my dad obviously, um, you know, being a baseball coach, um, and and and putting the glove you know in my career, I guess, and you know, really you know, putting the love of sports um in me. My grandmother um for sure. Um. You know, she was always a huge advocate of mine. And you know, just anything that I did, whether you know, school sports, whatever, she was always you know there and super supportive of me. Um and my high school baseball coach. I think if I hadn't had a chance to meet him Abe Hobs when I was fourteen years old, I think my life would be a lot different. Um. You know, he was the one that that really taught me about what it was to be a professional. Um, you know what I had to look forward to, you know after high school. UM and just kind of really shaped me and moded me into being a man. I have to say one more person, uh, the director by Boys and Coach Club, mister Fillmore Graham. He uh, he took a huge interest in liking it to me when I was a young kid. Went to the Boys and Girls Club from the time time I was I think five until I was fifteen. So for ten years, every day after school I went to the Boys and Girls Club until I started playing high school sports. UM, and I was there every day with mister Graham and he maybe he was the impact on my life. I really love that man, because it really does take a village to get to where we want to go. But at the same time, I feel like, you know, with the way that you were ultimately thrust into the majors I feel like you were one of the youngest players in the majors when you first got there, Like, what was it like trying to cope with such pressure and uh, you know, success so early on in your life, Like, what was it like going through that? Yeah, it was, it was, it was. It was weird to be honest to being the youngest guy in the big leagues at the time. Um, you know, I was. I was twenty when I got called up. Twenty six years old at the time felt super old to me, being twenty years old, you know. Um, so it was. It was. It was really tough dealing with that. And I think for me, the that's when the drinking really started for me was my earlier in my career, my first couple of years. Um, I was, I was too young a getting the club, honestly, So like if I got snuck into the club, guys would just like stink me drinks to the bathroom and I would suck down like six or seven long eyelid in the bathroom stall, and that's how I got Like, that's that's how I would have to drink because I couldn't carry a drink around the club, so I just that's how I really started my binge drinking and the alcohol dependency really took a turn. I think when I became professional in my early part of my career. CEC a great to connect with you, man, It's an honor to have you on the show. I'm a next baseball guy. Definitely didn't make it near near as far as you did, but I was. It's interesting. I was just h with Mike Hampton a couple of days ago and just talking to him and saying, man, you gave it such a solid run. You know, to be able to pitch for that long, and for you and for him to to just carve hitters up for that long, it's so rare, and it's it's really cool to have you on here in the timing and the synchrony cities. Just to give our listeners some context, Darren and I are virtual. Um. Some big changes have happened in the last couple of days, and I know we were I've been trying to get you on for a little bit. And at the time, you mean a Raiders fan, Darren was playing the Raiders. It's just not the case anymore. You're sitting here wearing a Yankee shirt and Darren's now going to be playing in New York. So it's uh, everything is in perfect timing right absolutely, And you know, Darren's a Georgia Tech guy. I have a freshman, My oldest son is a freshman at Georgia Tech right now. So he's playing baseball at Tech and enjoying, uh, Downtown, I'm never gonna get this kid to move back, bro. Like he loves downtown Atlanta. He loves the campus. Whether it's over, He's never coming home. Believe you see, I've heard you say before how and I love that you say. You say this, This line of the end of the story doesn't mean anything if you don't know everything that came before that. I mean, our podcast is called comeback Story. That's why we start off all of our podcasts asking tell us what it was like growing up. And I'm I'm familiar with your story in your background and even going back, if we could sit childhood a little bit longer and just talk about well first, just talk about the grapefruit tree, because I think that's really significant. Yeah. No, so, uh, and my grandmother's backyard we had like we had everything. Like my grandparents came from Mississippi. They migrated to California. So in our backyard, it was a full farm. Basically, we had chickens, we had, I mean everything, We had our own produce. We had our own plum tree, lemon tree, all these different trees. And right the right by the back door was this huge grapefruit tree. The first thing you've seen when you came out our backyard was this huge grapefruit tree and it and it kind of covered the front part of the backyard, and it would be grape fruits that would fall down off the tree all the time, and I would grab the ones that fell down and get a folding chair and put it probably like it'll probably be like forty feet at the time, and I would pick him up and throw the grape fruits through the back of the folding chair. And that's really how I started like pitching and throwing, was those grape fruits and my grandmother's back. And then I know your parents divorced at twelve, and I remember you saying how your dad was never too tired to to play catch, but at some point during the divorce, your dad then was out of the picture. Correct. So yeah, so my parents divorced when I was twelve years old and I went from having my dad pretty much every day around to play catch, to hit ground balls, to go shoot jumpers with too. Now you know, I'm not seeing him as much, and uh, you know, he was dealing with his own, um you know, drug dependency problems at the time, and I had no idea, you know what I mean. So you know, um, I had no idea what he was going through. The one thing that I feel like my mom did, which was huge that me and my father's relationship together, was she never bad mouthed him. She never, you know, once if he was you know, coming to pick me up for the weekend and couldn't couldn't make it or whatever, she never ever once you know, made a bad comment about him. And that made me never have ill will towards him. So whenever, you know, he got clean and I you know, I got drafted, you know, in nineteen ninety eight, I was seventeen. Um, that's kind of when we reconnected. Um it was I have to give my mom a lot of credit for that because I had no animosity towards him, because she never had said a bad word about him. She would always just say, you know, he's trying, he's got different things going on, give him a break. And I'm thankful that she was that way because it allowed me and my father to have a relationship, you know, the five years after I got drafted until he passed away. Yeah, that is such an important lesson if you're a listener and you're going through a divorce or walking through a relationships. As a coach, I have coaching clients that will often be going through a change like that, And I'm so I'm so grateful for my parents because they did the same thing. They made the best out of what could have been a bad situation and no one was talking bad about each other. Where you know, you'll get a lot of that projection and confusing as a child. So the fact that your mom did that is so so huge. Yeah, it is. And and it allowed me to have a relationship with my dad. It allowed me to forgive him on my own terms, you know, and not have their mess get in the way of our relationship. You know. So I'm very thankful for her that, you know, I was that she was able to do that for me, and I was able to reconnect with him because you know, after I got drafted, Um, you know, me and him became you know, thickest thieves. Again, we were tight. He was coming out all the time. My first two years in the big leagues. He lived with me in Amber, you know, the whole summer, so um, you know, we had a chance to really reconnect and m kind of get back to where we were when I was a child. Knowing that, knowing your story, worry about that. I'm just thinking about how much that helped you have your own perception of your dad, where your mom wasn't like projecting things on, so you had this belief because I've heard you say like, yeah, my dad was, my dad was in rehab my dad was, my dad had to HIV and I never you know, maybe he wasn't there, but I never saw him for that. I was just happy to have a dad around. Where if your mom was in there chiming in, I think you might have a different attitude in relationship with him. Yeah. Absolutely, And even with the you know, with the with the drug use. You know, she never really made that clear to me either. So the first time I went to go see my dad in the rehab acility, I had no idea it was a rehab acility. Me and Amber walk out of the rehab place, and my dad couldn't leave the door, and he was like, I just I could just walk you out to the door. And then I got to turn around and we walk out. I hadn't thought nothing of it. And me and Amber get to the car and Amber goes, how long has your dad been a rehab I'm like, what are you talking about? Rehab? She was like, Cze, that's a rehab facility. We just left right there. So, like I was oblivious to all of it, you know what I'm saying, Like I had no clue of what was going on. And but for the better to be honest, because I think if had I've been worried about any of that stuff, or had had any of that ill will in my heart, maybe I don't have a chance to get to the big leagues at nineteen twenty years old and have all the success and have all these different things going on if I'm you know, consciously worried about and thinking about what my dad has going on. Yeah, I mean I could see all that. How much of that could be a weight as you try to elevate, you know what I'm saying, Like the struggles I had early in my career where I wasn't performing the way that I would have liked to. It was the mental weights. There was nothing really physically that was holding me back. You know. I feel like I had the gifts and I was, you know, progressing in that way, but it was all the mental and emotional and the spiritual things that were just having me feeling chained up. Man. And it's, uh, you know, such a really good perspective. Staying on your dad. I reading your Players Tribune essay. You said something about and it kind of touches on mental health and me and Donnie are always on that. And you talked about how the day you made your first All Star team, your dad was pronounced with six months to live. I believe it was six weeks to live six week cancer. Yeah, yes, six weeks to live. And you talked about how I can't think good things will happen without something bad going alongside with it, and it's hard to have faith in the good things lasting. Like, what was it like dealing with that and trying to grow out of that mindset? You know what? I still deal with that. I still have to let myself be happy in the moment, you know what I'm saying, and not think something's coming on the other side, you know, whether it's I mean just small things, you know what I'm saying, whether it's like you know, watching my son hit a home run, then I'm always thinking about the flip side, or like you know, I'm always thinking, you know, just because that's been that's been my experience. Every time something good happens in my life, there's something that's that's probably bad, that's coming around the corner. Um And and that that story that you just said was the perfect example. Um you know, two thousand and three. Um Amber gets pregnant in January two thousand and three. Um So we're having our first kid. This is my third year in the league. My dad is living with us at the time. UM So I'm having a great first half. My dad goes back to California in May to get checked up, just to have like a checkup. My dad had had got diagnosed with HIV in nineteen ninety nine, so he was going back just to have a checkup. Um he hadn't been feeling that well. Um So he was going for like two months from June and July. UM So I'm pitching great, I get a I get the Sunday before the All Star Game, I get called into the office, the manager's office, Eric Wedge, and he's like, you know, hey, um, you've been having a great year. You know, this is this is I'm excited to tell you that you're going to the All Star Game. This is the first of many you know, blah blah blah whatever. You know, all the stories. So we're all excited everything. And as literally as I'm walking out of his office, my cell phone rings, like this is back in the day too, like you had the old Nokia flip cell phones, Like my cell phone rings and this is my mom. And she was like, hey, did you hear the news? And I'm like, yeah, I'm going to the All Star Game. Can't wait. We're going to Chicago, Like this is gonna be so much fun. And she was like, no, your dad's in the hospital and they're giving him six weeks to live, like his cancers progressed, and I think you may need to come home. So I'm like damn, Like this is like I'm literally walking back to my I'm walking back I hadn't even told Ambryet, Like I'm walking back to my locker to process, like I just made the All Star Team and then my mom telling me my dad has six weeks, had six weeks to live. So we ended up me and Amber flying back to California. I get back to California, I get into the hospital room that is, and he's like, what are you doing here? He's like, you just made the All Star Game. Me and him watch the home run derby together and he just begged me to go to Chicago to play in the game. So I got on the first thing. I got on the first thing, smoking the next morning, made it to Chicago like during BP time and the day of the All Star Game, and didn't get the pitch. But that was my first All Star Game experience. You know, as you go on from there in your career. Talked about the times that build up to October twenty fifteen where he talked about you're drinking and how you were, you know, in the in the bathroom as a young dude, like can you take us through progressing through drinking? And then you know how you know how the story goes for alcoholics. It's like it eventually it turns on you. You know, it eases your anxiety for a bit, but then after a while, you know the literature talks about you, there's a time where you can't imagine life with or without alcohol, and it's just like this place of you know, like demoralization. Can you tell us what it was like building up to that time in October when you were in that hotel room in Baltimore. Yeah, I mean, I mean, but you know, going like like like Donnie said, you know, they can't tell the end of the story without telling the whole story. I think I knew that I was an alcoholic at fourteen years old. I knew the very first time I drank that this was not gonna be good for me. The first time I ever drank, I was fourteen, and it was about three months after my grandfather had passed away, and me and my cousin was just at his house, was sleeping over. I was sleeping over at his house and he had a pint of Bumpy Face m Gin Secrets Gin and I took a sip of it, and I was like, you know, this nasty, But then I liked the way it made me feel. So then I just like I like my bench drinking. I just I just guzzled it, like I took like four big guzzles of it, and I was like, drunk is drunk is could be? And I knew that this is gonna be I knew it was gonna be a problem. And I always I didn't necessarily so much like to like the taste of alcohol, but I like being drunk, you know what I'm saying, Like because I'm I feel like I'm a shy guy. I don't talk a lot. And when I was younger, it was even worse. And then the more I drank, the more I feel like my personality would show up. And you know, I feel like I was more social when I was drinking. So I knew that this was eventually gonna be a problem. But but it started day one, fourteen. And then you know, I drank all the way through high school, minor leagues, and like I said, you know, being the youngest in the big leagues, you know, you end up being in the bathroom stall sucking down four or five, you know, six drinks at a time. Um, you know, it got to a point where, you know, the year I won to sig Young two thousand and seven, before every single start, I would go to a liquor store and buy two bottles of Christall. I was drinking champagne back then, And it was always a reason to drink, like I can drink because I pitched great, celebrating because we won. And then if if I didn't pitch good, I was pissed off. So I definitely need drink this, you know what I mean. Like, So it was always it was always a drink in my hand. It was always a cycle. Any clubhouse I went to, they already knew to have my crown and Coke in my locker right after the game. Like as soon as I'm coming out of the game, the first thing I'm drinking, not gatorade, not water, not nothing, it would be Crowning Coke. And that was in every ballpark, you know what I'm saying. So it wasn't a thing where you know I was. I was, you know, people didn't know that that I drank. I don't think people knew that I drank to the extent that I drank where you know, Um, there would be nights, um you know what, I would drink everything in a mini bar, like everything, the wine, the whiskey, to burn everything, every single thing. Um, I can't I can't count how many times I did that, just drinking literally everything that they had there, um because I thought that's what you was supposed to do, you know, the first time in the big leagues, being so young, I see a mini bar, I'm drinking it all, you know what I'm saying. So it was it was always a problem, and you know, leading up to two thousand and fifteen, well, two thousand and twelve, me and Amber go to marriage counseling because it just had got too much for her, and you know, for me, I wasn't ready to stop drinking yet. So I'm going to you know, counseling and doing these different things. And I started taking an abuse which is a pill that if you if you drink while you take this pill, you'll start throwing up like really bad, like really violently. So I could I could figure out, you know, if if I took this pill like on Monday, and Amber seeing me take it by the weekend when we would go on the road, if I hadn't taken it, then I can drink while we're on the road, you know what I mean. So that's how from two thousand and twelve to two thousand and fifteen, that's what I was doing. Like I was at home being sober, but then when I was on the road, I was drinking all the time. Um. So get to two thousand and fifteen, Um, you know, UM kind of out of control, to be honest, you know, not really pitching that well. I'm trying to learn a new pitch. I'm trying to learn how to reinvent myself as a picture, learning the cutter. And you know, I had an incident where I'm in Atlanta, I'm out on the balcony smoking weed. They took a picture of me. Um. I had a big fight in Toronto where I was drunk and you know, made a big scene. And you know, after that, after that Toronto incident, I felt like I had kind of had enough. I knew that, you know, I needed to go to rehab. I just didn't know how I was gonna get to rehab. You know, I didn't know, um, you know, what type of decisions that I needed to make or anything like that. And you know, we get to that weekend in Baltimore and you know, we it's we had clinched on a Thursday, and we played Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and we got clinched on a Wednesday. We had Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday in Baltimore. It rained the first two days of that series, and I drank. I literally drank myself to sleep those whole days, Like the Thursday and Friday, I drank the whole time. I woke up on Saturday morning, I was supposed to throw a bullpen at the stadium, and I get there and I went right back to the back and started drinking again. So I told him, I was like, let me just throw my bullp in tomorrow. We got the last day of the season. I'll throw it again tomorrow. So I drank that whole day on Saturday, get to my room drinking. And then that next morning I woke up and I was supposed to throw the bullpen that day, but again I got to the stadium again, I was feeling a little hungover. That was my m O, Like, if I was feeling a little hungover the next morning, I would I would get back on whatever I was drinking. So I was feeling a little hungover. It got to the stadium, made myself a drink in one of the our mental conditioning coach, Chad Bowling, he caught me. He was like, bro, what are you doing you drinking at eight in the morning, and I just broke down crying because I hadn't stopped since that Wednesday night. And we went into Joe's office and I told him I needed help. He called Brian Cashman right away. And then the first two people I went to to tell was christ Young and Dylan Betances, two of my closest friends to this day. Um they were on the team at the time, and the first thing both of them said was, you know, you're making the right decision. This is gonna be tough right now, but you're making the right decision. And it gave me the courage to go and really go tell the team and leave. At that time, it was it was a tough decision, but I feel like if I didn't make that decision at that time, my life would be completely different right now. So I had heard you say that I need to do this, meaning I need to go to rehab and I need to make it public or I need to let people know why it was that so important And how did you have the courage to do that in New York City, the media capital of the world. Like man, it came, it came from dying and Chris Young to be honest, like I didn't have the courage. Like I mean, I was scared to death. I thought, you know, I thought my career was over. Um. You know, I didn't know how the Yankees were going to react. I didn't know how the fan base was to react. I mean, you talk about, you know, a fan base that can make or break you, and that's that's here in the bruk. So um, I really didn't honestly didn't know. What gave me the courage was Chris Young saying, you know, I know this is a tough decision right now, but this is gonna be the best thing that you can do for your life. And that's really what gave me the courage to do it. And really, all my teammates, all the guys I mean in the in the organization, the guys stepped up. They all have my back. M Brian Cashman had my back, Joe Girardi, everybody to a man in the organization really really supported me, and it made me feel like I was making the right decision. But I mean, I was scared to death at the time, and I had no idea if I what I was doing was the right thing. But you know, Big Poppy, when I wanted to rehab. He reached out Derek, you know, reached out Andy. All these different people reached out to me and made me, you know, feel like I was, you know, making the right decision. So um yeah, But but I can't sit here and say, hey, I had the courage to do this. It was it was really my friends and family and teammates, um that gave me the courage and for me to make it so public. I wanted to make it public because if I'm if I'm at a Raider's game or if I'm at a Giant's game and somebody see me walking with a beer, they can check me and be like, hey, I thought you went to rehab or you know what I mean, Like it's just another way for people to hold you accountable. And I want to be held accountable, especially with my drinking. Like I don't want to be sitting in the airport somebody see me with a drink and be like take a picture and be like, hey, I thought he was at real you know, I thought he went to rehab. I want somebody to be able to come up to me and confront me and be like, I thought you wasn't supposed to be drinking. So That's why I made it so public. That's such a huge shift from because I feel like as alcoholics, like we become such isolative people. Um. And that's something that I still try to get over, is um, you know, just no matter how good things are going, I still feel like I had to go hide or to be safe or be alone. And um, you know, I always had like certain behaviors that I was hiding. And you know, to get to a play that's the ideal place for an alcoholic to get to to really start to build a life again, is to have other people hold them accountable, invite community into the picture, and have real deep friendships and relationships with people to where they can check you. Because that's really what love is. You know, we get told like you know, essentially love is telling people what they want to hear. But no, it's like love is checking people and tell them what they need to hear because you know, what they may not necessarily want to hear is what could save their life. So anybody that's in that position of struggle, it's like it's not an easy thing to do to have people in and it's not always comfortable to have people in your business and knowing the intimate details of your life. But it's it's what's necessary for you to continue to build upon what you set and to you know, enjoy life of people, because that's what life is meant to be about. Now, I mean, that's one hundred percent right. And you said something like for people to check you, and I had, I had made myself uncheckable, you know what I'm saying. Like I feel like the only person that could have really checked me was my dad, and my dad away, so there was nobody here to check me or anything, like who the fuck gonna check me? To do what? I'm paying for everything, Like any vacation we go on my family, anybody, we do anything, it's all on me. So who gonna who gonna check me? If I want to have a couple of drinks while we on vacation, I'm gonna have a couple of drinks, you know what I'm saying. So I had to I had to reconfigure the way I was thinking. And I have to be checkable, Like I have to be able to sit here and have my wife check me or my best friend or whoever else, Like you have to to to be that vulnerable, to be able to be checkable, and that was something that I wasn't for a long time. Like I said, from twenty fifteen, I was going to counseling with my wife just for her. It wasn't for me. It was like me faking stuff for her, you know what I'm saying. So I had to I had to. I had to really open up and let her check me. She she can check me, you know what I'm saying, Like she runs it so um. You know, you have to have those people and be comfortable with those type of people, with those people, if you have those people in your life to be able to let them help you and love you. Like you said, I love this conversation so much. There's staying one more for another minute on that making it public, just for context for the listeners. You had said like it was the last day of the season. It was the last day of the regular season, but you guys were going to the playoffs, So I mean, I if I got the timing right, you guys were going to the playoffs, So you're checking yourself into rehab as your team's about to go make a World Series run. So it wasn't like the season's over and nobody's gonna know anything like and plus doing it in New York City. I mean, I think that's it's amazing. And I think in recovery and addiction they say selfishness and self centeredness is the core of our disease. And I love that you did it because you need to be held accountable. And that's why essentially I shared my story publicly, which actually was a selfish move, but it was selfish in a way where I like, I need that accountability. I want this to be part of my identity so that people can check me. So it creates like this massive layer of accountability where now it's like for for Darren and I and yourself, it's it's part of our identity and it makes it a lot easier about to slip up, you know, No, I mean, and and this is this is gonna sound crazy, but like you know, and like you said, being a recovering alcoholic, like you have to be selfish and think about yourself. It's easy for me to be selfish. I'm a selfish my fucking like, I just I'm always gonna put myself first, you know what I'm saying, Like that's just you know, that's just how I am. And and and who I am. That's just the kind of the way I was. That's just the way I'm wired, you know what I mean. So it's it's easy for me. It's easy for me to be selfish. So once I figured that out and rehab, I'm like, oh, I'm gonna be pretty good at this recovering alcoholic thing because I could always be selfish, you know what I'm saying, Like, that's that's that's not a problem. But like you said, checking myself in back, going back to the rehab, that was my rock bottom. Like people always ask me, like, what was your rock bottom? Like what made you check itself in the rehab one? It was me realizing that I couldn't stop drinking, like that weekend in Baltimore. I really wanted to stop myself from drinking and I could not stop that that that whole weekend. So being powerless to the alcohol was the was the first thing. But but the second my rock bottom was being in that rehab facility in Detox. I'm sitting in there with no shoe strings in my shoes. I got on a hoodie, I got on like pajama pants, and I'm watching my team play against the Houston astros in the playoffs, Like there's a playoff game going on and I'm a part of this organization, this Yankees organization I have on right now are playing in the Bronx and I'm in a rehab facility. Like that made me feel I mean, there was no other I mean, I can't even explain how low I felt, you know, and not being able to be there for my guys. I wouldn't have been pitching for I mean, no way I was gonna pitch that day, but just being there, you know, not being there killed me. And I think being there with it had it would have been a different story. But that was, you know, the point where I was like I need to get myself together because look where the fuck you are. You you couldn't stop drinking that much, and now look where you are now, Like you can't even be there for your teammates, Like that's how bad you got. So that was really like a turning point for me. Was that day that they played in that playoff game. I'm sitting in the I'm sitting in the in the Detox place kind of like just staring at the TV like I could. I couldn't believe I let myself get to that point. What did what did REHABU unlocking you and transform in you just as a man, and then how did that play into the rest of your career? UM going forward with a with a fresh perspective. I think rehab for me just gave me a time to grieve. I had never really grieved my father passing away. UM. And two weeks into the UM my rehab stay, we had we did an exercise where you had to write a letter to UM. You had to write a letter as a as a family member, to you as if you died from alcoholism or as you died UM, from whatever your dependency was. So I ended up writing a letter from my son little C to me UM, you know, and talking to his voice, talking to me as if I passed away from alcoholism. And I get halfway through the letter and I realized the letter is me writing a letter to my father. Like it's me talking all the things that I miss about my dad and all the stuff that I wish he was here to tell me and talk about, and the relationship I wish he had with my son, like all these different things that that that that I'm telling myself through my son. I'm talking to my father at you know what I mean. So, um, after that that day, I remember I called my wife and I was like, like, I feel like it's like a big weight lifted off my shoulder, like like like I can like I can finally breathe, like like I'm not like pinned down by this thing. And um, and it was it was that it was me letting go and um understanding that I do miss my dad. I still miss my dad. I think about my dad every day. Um. I I still wish he was here to you know, go see my son player at Georgia Tech. All these different things, but I can't hide from those and run from those emotions, you know what I mean. UM, I think I was trying to use that alcohol to numb from that and and those emotions, and um, you know, being able to deal with that and grieve and get through those through through those feelings and work through that process and still work through that process. Um is it was was It was the biggest thing for me going into rehab. For sure. I love how you mentioned that. UM. I think for me, I could relate a lot when you said I think it was in the Doctor, the HBO documentary, how when you went into rehab, you wanted to figure out how you got there and why or what was wrong with me? And for me that was the same thing. I was a college baseball player and going from this baseball player star identity to now a drug addict, Like where did it all go wrong? Now? I had a massive surgery on my left knee that ended everything for me, but just figuring out like what happened? And for me, it was actually the loss of a loss of baseball, the loss of my purpose. Yes, I had a traumatic surgery on my knee and got prescribed adi purpose at a week for a month straight and then cut off cold turkey. But when I really took ownership and stopped blaming everybody else, it was the loss of my identity and the loss of my purpose. And so I'm just curious we have the gift of addiction where we can find purpose. Like I'm sure you're good without baseball now, I'm sure you miss it, but you have purpose. You're carrying the message. But what would you say to other people? And do you talk to old baseball friends that struggle with that transition from baseball into life after baseball? Yeah? No, I talked to a lot of um you know different you know players and older guys all the time. Um, you know that that are trying to figure out what their purposes, you know after baseball. Um. And for me, I feel like my purpose is my family. Like I'm here and and I'm able to be around and be a dad. And you know, I felt like I went to rehab to get a second chance to really be here from my family, and I take that as my job now, you know, being dad, like you know, being the uber dad right, driving around with my son to baseball practice and um, all these different things I get a chance to to be and enjoy now because I don't have alcohol. You know, I think you said something earlier about um, you know all I think Darren said all alcoholics, you can't imagine alcohol with with or without your life, Like I couldn't. I couldn't imagine going a day without you know, be with with with being sober. But now I can't even imagine the day with you know, drinking. Like my life is so much better now. And people used to say that to me, Like people got sober and be like, oh my life so much better, and I'll be like bullshit, like no way it is it's so much better. My relationships are better, you know, I'm able to get up and my body feels healthier, like I'm just you know, in a better space because I'm not bought down and foggy about from all the drinking. Yeah, and I think to double on that, I feel like there's something to be said about people like us that make life and sobriety look attractive to people, because I feel like there's a lot of times where people that may have been sober, it's like I was just like you. I was like, damn, I'm fending my life into be lame as fuck, Like yeah, I don't know what I'm about to do, like you know. But then it's like, you know, now we can take ownership of the fact that, you know, if people are gonna make this decision to change their lives and turn it around and they don't know what it's can look like down the road, we have the opportunity to paint the picture for them, like, hey, life can be great, life can be amazing. We can enjoy the simple moments, the great moments, the vacations, the cool things people get to do. But really, like we can take ownership of the fact like hey, Like they can look at CC, they could look at Donnie, they can look at me and be like, oh man, yeah, like they're doing that when they when they So we're like, oh man, I didn't think that was even possible. But you know, way though. That's a different perspective that I've taken into account. But I felt like you even more than me because you're young, and I felt like, you know, I went in at thirty five years old. You know what I'm saying, Like, yeah, I mean, it's sure, it's it's fine. People can say, yeah, I mean you went into rehab when you were done partying, you know what I'm saying, Like, when you were you were done. But like, for you to do it, you know, at the beginning of your career and then still go on to do all these great things and still be in the league, I think is as huge. And I commend you for that because I think kids can really look at your story and relate to your story more more so than they can't mind because I'm you know, I was thirty five years old. You're doing this, you know, in the prime of your career. So um, thank you for that. And you know, I definitely commend you for you know, always speaking out and being an advocate for alcohol depends it for sure. Brings me to a moment just two weeks ago witnessing Darren's wedding and being there and just sitting back and I've got I've got some video proof of this, but watching him dance, like you know, in the middle of the circle, the whole weddings circled around him, and he's just dancing solo and he's performing. He's you know, he's performing up on stage, rapping. I'm like, man like and just you know, working with Darren and especially I mean he's been good on the sobriety thing, just relationship wise and love and to sit back and just watch and be like, this is all going down and it's pure and it's sober, and that's like me. I thought my life was over when I had to stop getting fucked up, but really it was just getting started. It really was. And so yeah, that was a beautiful moment Darren, just watching you man dance. And I will still look back at that video and show some of my close friends. I'm like, you can have a lot of fun. And and then it was crazy because my sponsor officiated the wedding too, and not a lot of people know this, but walking down the you know, I was the first one down there, and he was standing down there and he gave me a hug and he was like, you know, you almost missed this right, and I was just like it just like floored me, you know what I'm saying. Like, and in that moment of just like before she walked down the eye, I was just like reflecting on all the different situations of where it could have been left, where it could have been over for me, where you know, not just my career, but you know, my life being in the balance, you know, from overdosing in just things like that. It's just we don't take those things into account. And you know, like even as like I remember when I was still using, there were times where you know, I know the consequences, the consequences of my actions and my using are so clear, but I don't even take those things into account. Like I still hold you know, that feeling or that buzz or that picture I have in my head of when I got when I'm a couple of drinks in and a couple of pills in, what I feel like then I still can't get that out of my head as what's best. You know, I can't bring up everything that was almost tearing my life down. So that was just a moment where everything was bought full circle. And there's plenty of full circle moments in my life today just leave me just amazed. But it's cool to have those moments stuff, right, Like it's cool to be able to I mean, obviously it's hard to go through the stuff that we went through, but it's cool to be able to sit back and reflect and be appreciative in the moment, you know what I mean. Like I feel like now that I'm you know, sober, I can I can sit back and I get emotional all the time, Like I was watching myself. I get a chance. I got a chance to see my son playing on ESPN the other day. I started crying, you know what I'm saying, Like it's just like those little things that I get a chance to appreciate, like as his father and still have him, like have our relationships still be there and still be intact, And I didn't, you know, ruin all of that, you know, from my alcoholism makes me feel good, man, It makes me want to stay in these moments and stay sober. I think of having one of the other gifts of having constant conversations like this, especially with other men. And part of the gift of recovery has been able to feel and actually being our emotions and have three men talking about, you know, watching our boy and getting emotional and crying and being okay with that and really reshaping what a real man looks like these days. And to me, that's it's all about vulnerability and being able to feel. And that's kind of why Darren and I always wanted to start this mission and create conversations like this, so hopefully we can give people permission to do the same and reshape this whole idea of what it means to be a man and to man up like all of those things that we were taught and told by our coaches growing up. You know what, man, Dunnie, I had to I have to give my youngest son, Carter, credit for that, because I was I grew up in the eighties. I grew up in the nineties, Like that's that's how I was raised, Like you don't cry, shut up, sucking up all those different things. And he I think he was about seven or eight years old, and he got in trouble and I'm yelling at him, and he started crying, and I was like, what you're crying for? He was like, I'm crying because you're yelling at me. You know what I'm saying. He was like, you want me to calm down, but then you're yelling at me, so it's making me cry, But then it's making you more angry, So it's like, you know what I'm saying. Like he was like, I wouldn't even give him a chance to work through his emotions. So like he was, he was telling me, you have to give me a chance to work through our emotions and then I'll tell you what's wrong with me. So from that day forward, I haven't yelled him since it's been like six or seven years where we can just sit down and talk and have a conversation about anything that's going on with him and and and it's changed me as a parent and changed the way I think about you know, like you said, being a man and how we teach our boys. He dropped that on you at seven years old. Seven years old, yes, seven years old. I want to touch on another comeback story that you have. I know that you had. I think it was twenty eighteen, you had like a heart procedure. Um, can you can you take us through that experience and what that was like, the thoughts of emotions with it and what it may have taught you. Yeah. So, uh in November twenty eighteen, me and my wife we had celebrated, I think it was eighteen years at that point of marriage, and we had a big, big wedding like a re um a vowry. Knew what we had in uh in Napa, huge, huge celebration. It was. It was crazy. The party was nuts, juvenile performed like it was. I mean, it was. It was crazy. So halfway through that party, like I started feeling like my stomach started hurting, like like I got like nauseas, so I like I ran out the back and I threw up and and honestly I was still um. I was taking and abuse at the time. So my wife was like, did somebody give you like some champagne or something like that, like like you know, you never really throw up, So I didn't think nothing of it. Um, we finished the party, all of that stuff. In the middle of the night that night, I wake up and I tell my wife, I was like, babe, I'm having a heart attack, like something's wrong with me. I felt like I couldn't breathe and I had to throw up again. So I ran to the bathroom and I threw up again, And that was kind of the beginning of it, all of that, all of everything that happened, so that I actually went through that for three more weeks, where like I was going to the hospital and I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me. They thought it was something with my stomach that was putting cameras down trying to figure everything out, and but because I was nauseous, that was my symptoms. I was throwing up, so they never you know, checked my heart. So literally for three or four weeks, like I couldn't sleep, I couldn't lay over, like walking up the stairs. I'm getting tired. And I went into the stadium. I was like, because the season's about to start, so I was like, let me just go in, like get a workout in and then maybe I'll just bounce back start feeling better. I got on the treadmill for like three minutes and I was like keeled over, and the trainer was like, Nah, you gotta go. You need to go to the doctor. So I went to the doctor. They checked and they did a stress test. And once they did the stress test, like I started walking on the treadmill and I think I got like a minute and thirty en and I couldn't like I couldn't even like my like, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't I couldn't like take a deep breath. And the doctor was like, yeah, we got to put a stint in right now because we think you're like ninety five percent block. So like in my artery the Widowmaker, I was ninety eight percent block, and I was I was actually supposed to get on a flight that next day to go to London because the Yankees and the Reds actually playing in the London series. So I was going over to watch a couple of soccer matches and you know, be the ambassador for series. And the doc said, if you would have got on that plane to go to London, you probably not probably you definitely would have died. You'd had a massive heart attack and died. So them catching that and putting that stin in, it was so that happened. It was November eighteenth, we had the wedding. I did that for a whole It was like a whole month. So I think it was like right after Christmas, like December twenty seventh or twenty eighth when they put the stin in. And you know, we caught it luckily in time, because if not done, I definitely would not be here to be talking to you guys on this podcast. What do your practices look like? Now? What are your Darren and I always talk about morning routines and rituals and the things that kind of keep our mind right, keep our body right. Are what are your practices these days? Man? My morning routine routine is I normally get up about seven o'clock. I come downstairs, I wake up all the kids. I have four kids. One is in college, two are in high school, one is in elementary school. So I get the girls car ready to go, I warm it up, do whatever they needs to be done, and then I just I come and sit in a living room and I do like a little five minute calm at meditation before anybody gets up drinking my I have like hot water and lemon and that's really it, to be honest, like that's that's kind of it. After that my days get started. I go to the gym and do whatever I gotta do after that. UM. As far as like like AA meetings and stuff like that, I don't. I never did a meetings. Always went to a private therapist UM, which I still see. But I talk about my sobriety all the time to anybody who will listen. So whether it's doing podcasts like this, or you know, somebody will call and say, hey, can you talk to this kid or do this or do that, then I'm always I'm always willing to share my story and talk about the things that I went through. UM. And and and those are like my meetings, you know what I'm saying, Getting a chance to share and and you know, talk to you guys or whoever it is. UM. You know, I feel like it puts me in a good space and give me a good perspective. Yeah, I think it's so important to Darren and I have had multiple guests on here that have that are sober, but have had different paths into getting to getting sober, and so there are many paths to it. We had an author on, Holly Whittakers. She wrote a book called Quit Like a Woman, and in that she she talks about it like she's not an AA person, but she's sober. And really the essence is finding purpose, giving back, carrying the message in community and finding whether it's men or a group of like minded people that can in a sense keep you accountable, or you know, we can let everybody else know, so the world's keeping us accountable. But I do think it's important for people to know that there are many paths, but that our way doesn't work. And if we keep trying to do it our way, like the way we did it before, we're going to end up right back where we were. And that's that's rehab, or that's dead or that's jail. And you know what, like most of the time, we don't realize we have a lot of these support systems already in place. We just haven't been taken advantage of them. You know. UM, for me, you know, whether it's you know, a sense of community, it's somebody to talk to, UM, you know, the support system with my mom and my wife and you know my teammates, so UM, you know you most of the time, you know, we we think we're going on this journey alone, but you don't have to. And I feel like, you know, as alcoholics, we like like like Darren said, we tend to isolate and you know, to stick to ourselves, but there is this, you know, there are people out there that that can help us and will help us if you reach out and be honest. That's the hardest thing as an alcoholic was to admit that I was an alcoholic. That's that's yeah, man. I mean asking for help as men as uh, it's forever going to be a crippling thing, you know. I picture you know, the herd, like you being on the stage for a world series, or in the pressure moments, or you know, for me, like me going over the middle and getting my helmet, my chin strap knocked loose, like those are things of toughness that people may think of that what it takes. But I feel like the toughest thing to do is ask for help or put yourself out there and paint yourself like man like I can't do this on my own, you know, And that's a that's a powerful uh legacy to leave behind a new definition of toughness, you know what I'm saying. So on that note, I want to ask you, you know, as your life goes on, you know, I imagine you being in your forties and to feel like, you know, if you're like me, I feel like life just continues to go buy faster and faster. Like what do you imagine your legacy being at just as a man, and you know, what are some of those things that you do to further imprint that on the world. I think, you know, hopefully my legacy as a man is just you know, someone who shared his story. You know, I wasn't. I wasn't. I'm not perfect. You know, I'm gonna make more mistakes. I've made plenty of mistakes in my life, but I'm here to share them with you. You know what I mean. And I think you know, for me, going back when I was talking about my my my childhood, I was always looking and learning from different people's mistakes, like you know, whether it was this athlete or that athlete, or you know this uncle, this family, remember that family. Remember like I learned and see the bad stuff, and then I'm gonna do the opposite of that. You know, I know how I want my whole life to go, and I don't want to do any of those things. So um, you know, for me, it's it's it's just you know, being someone that that was open about everything that I you know, all the mistakes that I made and and um, you know somebody that was that was honest. But I think for my for me, my legacy, hopefully it's just you know, my name is carried on through my kids in a good way. Um. You know, I think that's that's the only thing you can ask for his parents. Um, you know, that's it to be honest. I mean, I honestly don't want to remember it as a baseball player. And if people remember it's a baseball player, I just want people to know or remember that I played hard and I was a good teammate. I love that. Man. What you know, we I introduced you as with your baseball statistics and accolades, but um, hearing you share and getting to have this conversation with you, you're a lot more than that. And I appreciate you coming on here and being open and vulnerable in the way that you have. And I feel like you will be remembered for far more than that. And uh, I definitely feel like I'm a better man walking away from this today just by having this conversation. So I just want to say thank you man. Now, I appreciate it. Man, Thanks for having me. I'm sorry this took so long, man, but you know, I'm glad that we was able to get this done. And uh, like I said, I commend you for you know, walking this path and obviously being a phenomenal football player, but this this journey that you're on in sobriety and mental health and being honest and letting people know what you're going through, it's going to change a lot of lives, man, So I really appreciate what you're doing. Yeah. Thanks, C See, it's an honor, man, It's an honor to have you on here. I keep thinking about the visual of you. Your wife had mentioned how on the on the mound you were like a grizzly bear and then when you were drinking, you like turned into the Hulk, right, And I feel like you've you've found your way into Like when you talk about legacy, it sounds like you. I know. For me, it's like breaking some generational dysfunction and being the change. And I know you grew up with addiction and alcoholism around you. And now how you show up for your for your family and you're warming the car up for your kids and being there you are You're changing the legacy and that's that's the legacy that I see and admire the most. And also just your transparency. And you know, I think all three of us can say that we're just you know, turning our mess into our message, and it's really given us a purpose beyond whatever the label of the position we play or the role that we're in. So thanks for these conversations, man, we really appreciate it. Man. That's awesome. Thank you, Donnie. I like that I've turned our mess into the message, Like I like I can do that all day. That's awesome. Ye, Donnie got bars bars. I love it. All right, thank you my man. We're out. Yeah, I appreciate you, man, but yeah, thank you. Her